grieck

Small confession time:

It should first be noted that I’ve been meaning to say something along these lines for some time now, but this particular post is brought on by tonight’s drinking of wine and brandy.

I often enough speak of how much I’m disappointed in myself for my various failures, and how I’m single by choice (or moreof that I haven’t trouble attracted most people, just the few that interest me). They’re completely connected in case you hadn’t guessed. I go on about the latter because of my insecurity. In fact my ego and arrogance recently is party caused by that in general (mind you, half of it is still completely genuine, just more has been caused by insecurity than usual). I believe it’s completely true, and nothing has served to prove me wrong yet. I keep mentioning it to reaffirm myself, out of fear someday is might become false. 

I’ve said time and again that if I was in a relationship nothing would change for the worse. I could easily balance time and all that. If anything, I have a tendency to be more motivated when in one than when not. I’m not staying single to try to build up motivation on my own, though that is a nice side effect that I’m trying to cultivate.

No, I’m staying single because I honestly don’t think I deserve anything like that. If I wanted to I could stop pussyfooting around and ask out one of the few people who truly interest me, with my regular confidence and charm. If they declined, no matter. If they accepted, all the better. But I refuse to even take the chance, lest it end positively. Or the few times my willpower almost crumbles I half ass flirting with anyone important.

What right have I too such a pleasure, even a chance at it, at another’s company and heart, when I have proven a wretch who can’t go through with the most basic of plans.

I could easily put more effort into the job hunt. I don’t mainly because of a strange mix of anxiety and laziness. That latter, that accursed acceptance of loafing around! I should fight through it! I should be putting all attention into this task, but instead I sit here drinking and watching netflix. Pathetic, as expected.

College? Sure, currently Arcadia’s administration impedes progress, but tis still my fault. I could’ve acted sooner, MUCH sooner. Had I dealt with the college issue immediately upon new of my (ideally) temporary dismissal from Arcadia, I would have taken Fall courses at CCP and be at Arcadia as we speak! But nay, I instead let such silly anxieties get to me. Starting from my discomfort of unfamiliar public transportation, to shame over late emails and missed meetings…I should’ve acted, pushed through those childish feelings! I would be studying my craft, in an environment where I’m not belittled and insulted daily. I could be in an atmosphere of relative peace and intellect! Instead I languish here in this damned house.

That I even use the term Anxiety is an insult to the many I know who truly suffer it. Who’s lives are haunted by its intangible fears and worries.